I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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