Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
