is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
