The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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