why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
