mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
