I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
