Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
