my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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