when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
