So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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