The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
