you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
