Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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