I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Let's get the cat blown out
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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