we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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