I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I party with great urgency now.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
