thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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