youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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