I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
