Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
