i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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