Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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