I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
