I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
