Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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