So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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