I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
