Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
