Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
