It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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