my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
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I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
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Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.