Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I did not marry a roomba.
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