Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
