Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐