are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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