She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
