Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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