i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
