dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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