Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You pole danced in your parka.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
