He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
