1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
that may or may not have been my penis.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
