It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
40s are totally the cure
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
