I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
