I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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