you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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