Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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