i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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