BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
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I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
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You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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