this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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