i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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