The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
