I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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