im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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