The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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