i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
