Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
