Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
