She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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