I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
