Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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