what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
