I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
