No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Randomize
