I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he thought i was a dude.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
