i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
